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My Stuff, Their Stuff, Our Stuff
By Chuck Violand
October 13, 2010
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As owners and managers of businesses, one of our jobs is to confront the challenges and have the tough discussions that are necessary to grow a successful business.
If you''ve been doing this for any length of time, you''ve no doubt had occasions when a seemingly routine conversation goes sideways.
Comments get misinterpreted, tempers flare and before you know it one or both of you are walking away shaking your head and asking yourself what went wrong.
According to psychologist Dr. Bob Humphries, the disintegration of the conversation might have had nothing at all to do with the subject being discussed.
Instead, it might have had more to do with what he calls "My stuff, their stuff, and our stuff."
''My stuff''
A client I worked with for years had a practice of saving the big discussions he wanted to have with his staff until the end of the day when his crews returned from their day.
On the surface, this practice seemed to make a lot of sense; everybody was back at the shop and it was a great time to debrief from the day.
But, frequently, his conversations would turn confrontational. It was his wife who recognized an interesting pattern. His manner didn''t have as much to do with his crew''s performance at it did with his level of fatigue or hunger.
So we moved the meetings to the mornings. Interestingly enough, the meetings ran much smoother and they had much better endings.
It doesn''t take employees long to recognize just by looking at the boss''s face when it''s a good time to approach him with either a problem or a request.
If you''re the boss, and you''re carrying around anger or frustration about cash flow or profitability, most people can read you like a book.
They know this is not a good time to poke the bear. The same holds true if you''ve just had a confrontational discussion with an employee or customer, or someone at home.
On the flip side, if you just landed a new, big account, or collected a long overdue receivable, people know this is generally a "green light" to approach you with sensitive issues.
Start by understanding the impact events that are taking place in your life (my stuff) can have on your behavior, how you interpret what other people say to you and the way you''re perceived by others.
Learn to recognize your own body rhythms. When are you physically, mentally and emotionally at your best? This is a good time to deal with tough issues.
If you feel you''re under the influence of an event outside the conversation, communicate that to the person with whom you are speaking.
Not only will it explain underlying emotions, but it will help the other party understand your responses to the things you''re discussing.
''Their stuff''
Sometimes the irritant in our conversation isn''t caused by something going on in our life; sometimes it''s caused by an irritant in the life of the person to whom we''re speaking.
Dr. Humphries refers to this cause of "disintegration of conversation" as the "their stuff" in his excellent "My stuff, their stuff, and our stuff" behavioral quiz.
When someone you''re speaking with seems to be easily agitated, ask yourself this question: "Could the irritation in the conversation be caused by issues going on in the life of my listener?"
If this is the case, they may not feel the freedom to mention anything since it''s not work related. But it will weigh on them all the same.
Are they feeling overwhelmed with their current work load? The subject you''re discussing may seem insignificant to you, however, your listener may interpret it as an additional burden you''re placing on their already overloaded schedule.
Is this the best time of day for your listener to address sensitive issues? Just as you have optimal times throughout your day to tackle a tough issue, they do as well.
Making yourself aware of the other person''s daily rhythms may point out the best time to approach them. If you''re a "morning glory" you may have already learned how risky it can be to approach a "slug-a-bed" with a sensitive issue too early in the day.
''Our stuff''
The third source of conflict Dr. Humphries mentions is "our stuff" — which can take a lot of different forms, such as "Is there simply a general disagreement in the topic we''re discussing?" or "Is there a communication ''style misalignment'' that might be causing the irritation?"
For example: I love my two daughters dearly and we''re very close. But I must confess there are times when one or the other finishes telling me something and I have absolutely no idea what was just said!
It may take two or three repeats for me to get it.
This is fine when we have the time and patience to invest in the process. But at work, you or the other person may not want to take the time to clarify what was communicated.
As a result, you walk away from the conversation confused and frustrated.
Maybe it is body language that creates a problem. For example, if you need to — but hate to — wear bifocals, you might peer over the top of your glasses when you talk to me. And I might interpret your "look" as pompous or condescending. This thought would probably also cause me to completely miss the points that are being discussed.
During routine conversations, when palms get sweaty, hearts start pounding, and words start flying, it''s a pretty good guess there''s something below the surface affecting the conversation.
Are there unresolved issues between you and your listener influencing the tone of this discussion?
Is information being brought to the discussion late; information that would cause the discussion or its outcome to take a different direction?
At the end of the day, the conflict could simply be that you and the other party just don''t agree on the subject being discussed.
If this is the case — and you''ve determined there''s no underlying "stuff" — at least now you''ll be re-assured that you''re clear on the issues.
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Chuck Violand began his career by founding a carpet cleaning and disaster restoration operation in northeast Ohio in 1977, and in 1989, began consulting full-time. Each June, Violand hosts an Executive Summit to help owners and managers of cleaning and restoration companies learn the executive skills necessary to manage a growing business (Visit www.violand.com for details). Violand can be reached at (330) 966-0700.
